Disclaimer
The aticles in this section are Jokes for the April Fool’s Day 2006Dedicated to consistent misinformation and journalistic dishonesty. We strive for complete fabrication, however if we inadvertently print the truth, sorry…our bad.
You know, I have something to say. I have been taking a long hard look at my life up until this point and I have come to a realization. The thing I have come to realize is that drinking is no fun. It does nothing but make you puke and make you regret the night before. That is why I have come here to tell you that sobriety is the new deal.
Think about it. How many mornings have you woken up making that
promise to yourself, “I am never drinking again.” On those very special mornings you have that little add-on “and this time. I mean it.” Well, you never mean it and you end up in the same situation sometimes are soon as the very NEXT morning. Well I am here to tell you I am done with it. All of it. Here are some of the reasons.
1. Money: Let’s face it. Money does not grow on trees. We work hard
(or for some of you hardly work.) for our measly paycheck every week. Drinks at dive bars go for maybe three or four bucks a pop. At your more upscale establishments they go for around seven or eight. And I am not even going to mention Manhattan type prices. So on any given night you could easily drop 50 – 100 dollars at the your favorite watering hole.
2. Friends: Going back to that old line “with friends like that who needs enemies.” The same rings true for bar life. Friends who have nothing better to do at night than go out and get torn up. Who needs them? They are just bad influences trying to get you to partake in the “devil’s juice” and separate you from your money as well as take leave of your senses. When you finally come back to your senses you realize you now have no money and nothing to show for your time with your friends, but a blackout and a throbbing headache. Yeah, some friends they are.
3. Common Sense: While drinking. you have none. How many times have you been out drinking and end up doing things you would never even
imagine doing while sober? If you are anything like me, then probably quite a number. I have seen “friends” jump up and start dancing on bars, tables, pool tables, and just about any other surface you can stand on. I have also heard people talk about passing out on their front lawn, in their bushes, and in the living room still in their clothes. Yuck. All I have to say is no thank you.
So that is it. Take my advice Bridgeport. No more drinking. Keep your
wits, sanity, and liver in good shape. Nobody likes a drunk, especially not a sloppy one and let’s face it pretty much all drunks are sloppy. So here is your resident “alcoholic” signing off, for good because “I’m never drinking again. and this time, I mean it.