My friend Steven from Yale wrote this open letter to all potential incoming freshmen. Here is how he feels!
Hey prefrosh!
Looking to choose between here and, what’s the name of the other college again, Princeton, Harvard? Oh, Caltech? You’ve gotta be kidding me. Only nerds go there. You want to know what my opinion is? Well, you already know what my opinion is since I CHOSE to come to Yale, but before you turn your head away to look at that pretty girl, let me tell you what MY experience is with being a student at Yale. Because, like you, I was choosing between all these fancy colleges, and like you, I was stupid enough to listen to the BS your hosts gave you. So wanna know the real truth, the real dirty little truth that your mother never told you about? What! No? Shut up and listen!
Truth number one: you suck! You suck in visiting here as a prefrosh in the first place. You really think what you are seeing here during these few days are truly what the life at Yale is gonna be? You are sadly mistaken. NOTHING you see is remotely close to what you are gonna experience here. First of all, there will be no one here to pay you the attention your hosts supposedly paid you. You are just another guy, another hopeless loser who won’t get laid no matter how much you want to. If you are lucky enough to be a freshman girl… aha, let’s not go there. The seniors have more to give you than I do. So what you should have done is opening up that fricking magazine called U.S. News and checking off the ranking of colleges. Pick the one that’s ranked the highest and be done with it. No amount of saliva I waste in persuading you to come to Yale will match up that number they put up there in the magazine, and if you think Harvard beat us in that way, then you are sadly mistaken, because their girls remain virgins until they graduate. Like you, I was shallow enough to have read the ranking and still came to visit, and like me, you will still go to the college highest on the ranking no matter what your visiting experience is—that is, unless you get trashed on Bulldog Days and wake up the next day in Yale-New Haven hospital. That happened to John, the dude living next to me, and he had to run out of that place in baby diapers. Rule of the thumb: make sure the dumb asses taking care of you when you are drunk call DUH instead of 911. Man, you would think people were smarter since they went to Yale.
Here’s the sad truth number two: people are dumb asses, and they remain dumb asses. Being a Yalie does not mean you are smarter. It does not mean you will get laid. It does not mean anything. The same people you saw in high school, the same people you hated or liked will still be here, all but disfigured by plastic surgery. Remember that nerd you hated in high school, the loser who never went out and had any life and kicked your ass on exams? There’s one just like him here. Remember the party animal who got drunk every weekend? He’s still here, and he probably will kick your ass, too, both in class and in real. What about the hot chick you really wanted to lay your hands on in high school but never got a chance to? Welcome to Yale, any type you like, any type you dream of, we have her here-the drunken sluts, the non-drunken sluts, the drunken virgins, the non-drunken virgins, even virgins who are on their way to become the next Mother Teresa, we have them all here. Point: there are all kinds of people at Yale. Don’t expect to find only nerds here. Not everyone you see will be intelligent. He is intelligent, but not in the way you expected intelligent people to be. Nerds can be intelligent. Sluts can be intelligent. Alcoholics can be intelligent, and they all can kick your ass.
Truth number three: nerds are your best friends. You can cheat off them. You can make fun of them. You can feel better about yourself by being around them. You can sexile them instead of getting sexiled. My friend’s name is synonymous with nerd here. He gets 100 on organic chemistry exams here. He watches Anime instead of Porn. He does not admit to having ever masturbated. He has a fetish for Asian women, but they only go to him the night before exams to cheat off him. What more can you ask for in a roommate? I am going to live with him next year. I am not joking. A nerd is the best person you can live with. They are anal-retentively clean. They make your room quiet. They even make you look more attractive when you stand next to them. No kidding. Don’t be like me and ask for a “fun” roommate when you fill out your match card for rooming mates. They will get too fun on you and make your life miserable. Girls won’t mistake your bed for his, not even drunken ones. Waking up to their copulating noise the second night of school is not fun, and come winter your ass will be freezing in sexile.
Truth number four: you will NOT get laid. If you are one of those losers like me who came to Yale expecting to get laid, then you are bound to be disappointed. You see that hot chick there getting tipsy by the shot glasses? She will hook up with your friend, your best friend, your best friend’s friend. She will even hook up with your roommate right in front of your eyes, but chances are she won’t hook up with you, because you are a fricking loser, because you spent your fricking four years of high school working like a nerd and got in to Yale, because you masturbated to Pamela Anderson’s naked picture online instead of asking a girl out, because your mother didn’t name you properly and gave you too many hugs, and most importantly, because you WANT to get laid. God said you should marry before having sex, and there is a good reason for that-you don’t have a chance getting laid before that.
Why am I saying that? Because like you, I was a prefrosh once; like you, I watched movies and believed getting laid in college was as easy as ordering french fries from McDonald’s, and like you, the last woman I touched was my mother. Sooner or later you will find yourself at a frat party, pulling your shoes off the sticky floor, smelling the foul odor of sweat and alcohol, and suffocating in the dark crowd of strangers with faces you cannot see. Scantily-dressed girls will grind with drunken guys next to you, and you will be stiff as a rod, standing straight as the girls brush against you laughing, until you run out disgusted, and lose all interest in touching them. If you are like me, you will join ballroom dance, only to discover that moving your ass like a woman will not get you laid. Sometime, you will find yourself sitting alone atop Bingham tower, gazing at the sky as your roommate gets in the heat of the action, and wondering when your time of action will come. People lead different lives and have different results. Perhaps, there is no need in worrying at all. Time will come when it comes, and before that, make the best use of your hands. Steven Gu
P.S. I am turning this essay in as an assignment for my English class. Guess what my grade will be?