And welcome to another installment of Alcoholics Corner, which I guess makes me your resident “alcoholic” for lack of a better word. This week I’m here to tell you a very important story that all you little boys and girls ought to know about for it will save you much trouble. The story is about people I like to call “party morons.” These are people who are quite socially lacking and manage to ruin any party or gathering. Over my years and travels I have come in contact with many and I’m here to point you out to some of the warning signs that may help you avoid potential hazards.1. The Grub
This is that guy who shows up to every party empty handed. I’ve known a good very many of these. The guy who never has a way to the liquor store or the money to buy the beer, and always asks if it’s okay if he grabs some of yours, like you have the option of saying no anyway. Usually allowed to do so the first few times, this person keeps pulling the same excuses out of his hat until it reaches annoyance. Keep an eye on anyone who shows up at one of your shindigs and pulls this on their FIRST invite, it’s just a forewarning of things to come. The only known cure is to flat out refuse this person and turn a deaf ear when they start bitching. Wave your fresh cold brew in his face inmocking for added effectiveness.
2. The Over Affectionate
Now granted I’ve probably been guilty of this from one time to another but it never reaches the levels I’m talking about here. The person who is guilty of the level I mean would be considered creepy. This type leers from across the room before they choose to go up to you and maybe offer a massage, touch, or just be way too close and in your personal space. This wouldn’t be so bad if you liked them or actually knew them for that matter. Another form of this would be the aggressive type, meaning, a friend who has one too many beers transforming their affection to borderline assault. There is no known early detection sign for the former but the latter may be caused by severe drunkenness. Either way, when in close contact find an excuse to be somewhere else, another party would be best.
3. The Careless Vomiter
Now, I understand that if one drinks too much that sometimes you need to let the poisons out, but there is a time, and more importantly, a PLACE for everything and that place is not on a floor. I have had my share of these people in the past few years with the most recent “accident” occurring on the corner of the couch cushions in the middle of my basement floor. These are the people that when the urge to loose their lunch hits, they neglect to do a damn thing about it. They just sit there all glassy-eyed and such, and then before you know it… BOOM, you got sh*% all over the place. Most don’t even offer to help clean it up, they just sit there and start doing it some more without even the slightest attempt to relocate to a bathroom (where this sort of thing is acceptable). A warning sign for this type may be a specific look on there face of, “Oh god I’m gonna puke…”. Get very good at recognizing this because there is no cure… and as soon as someone does this, ban them.
4. The Chrasher Extraordinaire
By far, this type happens to be the worst kind of partier in my opinion. This is the person you invite over to hang out with you and a few of your friends and they decide they are well within their rightto invite half of Bridgeport which, nine times out of ten, exists of a crowd containing all of the aforementioned offenders. I mean, let’s face it, if the people they brought were really that cool you would have invited them yourself. The cure for this situation is to state very clearly when you invite people, “If your going to bring anyone, ask me first” and feel well within your rights to veto any names they may bring up.
There you have it, some tips to make any parties you may throw successful and drama free. These have been some tips from your friendly neighborhood “alcoholic.” So until next time remember to be safe, have fun, and have a drink for me.