Lately He Said/ She Said has been sparking ideas for me. For each issue I have been compelled to write my two cents about various relationship dilemmas here on campus. This week’s question proved to be especially inspiring. After some brainstorming I’ve decided that UB needs to hike up her skirt, strap on some stilettos and get a little racy. In short, The Scribe needs a sex advice column. Consider my suggestions for the “20-something virgin” this issues’ first installment of Sex and the Dorm Room. Enjoy! So you are a twenty-something virgin. I am very sorry. However, assuming that you are not tragically unfortunate looking, morbidly obese, or suffer from halitosis in all likelihood there is someone out there willing to sleep with you. I will venture a guess that the reason you are still in your sexual infancy is due to being extremely shy, a hopeless romantic, or one of those lewd, burly types that constantly have their foot in their mouth. Whatever your type, there is hope.Ok, let’s assume you are shy. There is no possible way to meet a potential partner while holed-up in your dorm room with a bottle of KY and internet porn. You have to put yourself out there. You have to socialize, and that means conversing with the opposite sex. Dig down and try to unearth your inner extrovert. You will need all the confidence you can muster. When it comes to sex you cannot be shy. I mean, you are aware you will have to be naked, right?
If you are not shy then maybe you are the romantic. I am sorry to pop your blissful dreams of being deflowered amidst crashing waves, a warm, soothing breeze, and the soft, subtle glow of a full moon, but that is just not realistic. More likely, your first time will be awkwardly crammed on your single bed in the mood lighting of your computer screen with your roommate beating down your door to get in for long you can expect the first time to last. And forget about being in love. The notion is nice but if you are waiting for love you may very well become the “forty-year-old virgin”. Start off slow, if you can’t drop the “love” idea then at least try for “like.” If “like” does not work out find someone “hot” or “smart.” If all these options fail you may still be too picky. In college there are no prerequisites for getting busy. All that is needed are some condoms and functioning sexual organs.
So you’re not shy and you think sharing a beer constitutes foreplay. That means you are most likely obnoxious. No doubt you burp at the dinner table, smash beer cans on your forehead, and incessantly gawk at girls as they walk by. Most likely you even have a bevy of sex stories you have compiled from your extensive porn collection that you recite to “impress” anyone polite enough to listen. You need to calm down. Cockiness, fake or not, is always a turnoff as are your bad behaviors. Be a gentleman. Listen a little more. Get to know a girl (a first name and whether or not she is over 18 does not constitute “knowing” a girl). If you can at least fake like you are interested in something more than just sleeping with her you might get your wish. If stifling a belch and suffering through a short conversation is all it takes to have a true life sex tale to brag about then being tolerable for a night may be worth it.
No matter what type of virgin you are there is no need to be a virgin for long. A few little tweaks here and there are all that’s required to promote you from a solo act to a certified Casanova. Just remember the condoms.