Supporters of the Iraq War had a major victory last week when weapons of mass destruction were finally located. However, they were not found in Iraq, but rather in Knight’s End Café here at the University of Bridgeport. UN Weapons inspectors were heard on site saying, “If we clone Sadaam and put him back in power, we can give him George Bush to execute in his place!”The weapons were located during a routine maintenance of a freezer in Knight’s End. Upon moving the freezer, workers found several piles of “Yellow Cake Uranium,” as well as several “Suitcase Nukes.” All of the workers were immediately contaminated and brought to St. Vincent’s Hospital and are in “screwed” condition.
After an initial investigation, several recordings of President Bush and Vice President Cheney were located implicating them in the incident.
President Bush: “Is this thing on? Heh, ok, now Dickey, let’s talk it over again.”
VP Cheney: “Ugh, yes sir. We hide nukes and yellow cake (which sounds deliciously
evil, by the way) in Knight’s End Café on UB’s campus and then claim that they were bought by Sadaam so that you can finally finish your daddy’s war. Then I get to declare myself Imperator of the world and drink the blood of all the first born children of every nation. Meanwhile, you get to play with your rubber ducky and look like a constipated chimp for the rest of your life.”
President Bush: “Yup, sounds just about right. Now how the heck do I turn this thingamajig off? There, that should do it. Now, Dickey, go get that dress we found of Hoover’s from the FBI building. I feel like playing dress up!”
VP Cheney: “Sir, you didn’t turn it off. It’s the one that says, “Stop, moron.”
END OF TAPE
The United Nations listened to this tape and immediately declared that President Bush is a five year old with autism and the Vice President Cheney is simply psychotic and should be put down like a lame horse.
The University of Bridgeport has closed down Knight’s End Café until all nuclear contamination can be removed. Once that happens, the University will continue on with it’s “Don’t ask, build there,” policy. This policy was used in the creation of the UB signs that adorn the library and the creation of the soccer field (soon to be the bocce field).
In other news, the flash cloning process of ex-dictator Sadaam Hussein is underway in the attempt that we can say, “Sorry, we’ll get you when you actually do something wrong.